The Simple Moments

It's been a little over a month since I've left the homeland, and this closing entry (at least on this Vietnam chapter of my life) has been long overdue. Since I've come home, I've caught up with friends I've held dear in my heart before and during my journey in Vietnam, and I've yet to meet up with others. I've traveled up the Pacific Coast on a scenic drive from L.A. to the Bay, and I've flown to the East Coast to experience the fast-paced, city life in a more slow, observant manner. I've gone from having no appetite for food (even Vietnamese-American food) for the first two weeks to regaining some of it through eating local ice cream and delicacies that only New York or D.C. could offer. And now I'm back in San Jose, reestablishing the life I once had as a primary school teacher, rebuilding using the habits I developed in Vietnam, and relearning how to navigate this American life.

Honestly, I haven't spoken much about my experiences in Vietnam. Usually the people who hear about it are the ones who are around me long enough to catch me in a flashback moment. There's not much I can summarize in one, two, three meetings. Vietnam is a place that I can only talk about if I am in the country, traveling with a companion who wants to know more -- and even that doesn't do justice in describing it. Although I left without true reconciliation between my working style and the Vietnamese lifestyle, I still appreciate it for the beauty that one can see in the resilience and kindness of its people, and the wonder of its landscape.

While I can't explain Vietnam beyond those few words at this moment, I can retell the moments that have stood out to me the most since I've been back:

1. Although I'm not a big fan on manicures and pedicures (my 5th grade students testify about that), I went with my sister to a beauty salon in Redondo Beach to clean up the hands and feet that my uncle once said belonged to "a child of the dust." Upon entering the shop, I wondered if the ladies hunched over customer's feet or hands were Vietnamese. After hearing one worker ask another in Vietnamese if the customer (me) had chosen a color, and upon having the question repeated directly to me in English, I automatically answered in Vietnamese, "Da, chua co." The womyn around me giggled at my unintentional Vietnamese response while my sister did a mental face-palm, as our position as Vietnamese-Americans had been given away, and now we were to engage in full Vietlish conversations.
2. In DC, my friends and I stumbled upon a restaurant called "Lincoln's Waffles," which specialized in chicken and waffles. While consuming an unhealthy amount of buttery, delicious waffles and fried chicken wings, we noticed that our server had a Bay Area accent and heard him telling other customers he was from San Francisco. We chatted with him and in front of the cashier, he asked, "What ethnicity are you guys?" I told him I was Vietnamese, and the cashier -- who at first frowned at us for coming in right before closing time -- smiled widely and said, "Me, too!" The whole restaurant (consisting of me, my friends, the server, and the cashier) were loudly exclaimed different things all at once, and the cashier and I continued on in Vietnamese. During this conversation, I found out Chu was from Ca Mau (woo hoo, Trevor!) and talked about the neighboring Vietnamese community in DC. Although the conversation was short, it felt nice to casually use the Vietnamese pronouns again. And their hospitality perhaps made that moment one of my favorite moments since I left Vietnam.
3. I generally am not a morning person, but since Vietnam, I've made a conscious effort to wake up early and slowly absorb the day. The days where I have time to make myself Trung Nguyen coffee via Vietnamese coffee filter are the times I treasure, as I usually take myself back to the weekends in Vietnam where I would wake up late and meet friends for cafe bo song; or walk downstairs and have cafe coc with my aunt, uncle and cousins; and chem gio over iced coffees and on small red plastic stools. Those simple moments are the ones I miss the most.

Morning routine: Workout, make/eat breakfast, settle in with black coffee (Trung Nguyen, not Folgers)

It feels like I've enjoyed the American life most when I've had a chance to integrate Vietnamese culture and language into it, and maybe that's what I should continue to do to prevent and/or relieve the occasional withdraw. One day, I'll be back in the work grind in full effect, I'll have the same appetite I once had for the American foods I craved so much in Vietnam (mostly super quesadillas from Eduardo's Tacqueria), and I'll be the social person I once was. For now, I'll take my time to enjoy the things that once have and continue to bring me joy, while consciously constructing this renewed sense of self using the best tools of both worlds.

Fresh Eyes

Obligatory homie-selfie

In less than 13 days, Robert has experienced and explored the many cities I have admired and adored. After landing in Ha Noi, we immediately hit up Ta Hien street for bia hoi. We took a day tour around Ha Long Bay and ended the day with street BBQ. We walked around Hoan Kiem Lake and biked around West Lake. We sleeper-bussed into Hue and ate every delectable treat Hue had to offer (minus "com hen" due to fear of stomach issues). We explored parts of Hue I never bothered to get to know without a fellow tourist. We rested and relaxed in Hoi An, knowing that Da Nang had a lot of sites to explore and family to visit. He perfected the art of crossing Vietnamese traffic by the time we reached Saigon (meaning walking with your head turned as the right time, with the sternest face possible). We took in the Western lights and life in Saigon, then took a long bus into Siem Reap, where we currently are. Throughout our journey, he became acquainted with the friends and family that became the home that he once provided for me in San Jose. Meanwhile, I tried to remain strong as I watched the cities and people I once considered home pass me by as I left for my next destination.

When I was worried about leaving Hue awhile ago, David suggested that it would be good that Robert would travel with me around Vietnam as I bid the homeland farewell. He would help me transition from one home to another by providing the sense of home that I usually feel with him, my best friend who helped me with my challenges in the States and abroad. Sure enough, he was right. Robert has not only been super supportive and reflective during this process, he has provided me with fresh eyes -- a perspective that I needed when I at times felt sad about leaving friends and family, or defeated by a country that still has me questioning how Vietnamese or American I need to be to feel welcome.

Robert is a special dude. I'm not just speaking in a biased sense. I mean that he's so "dac biet" that Vietnamese people can't figure him out. Vietnamese folks are used to experiencing three types of foreigners: white, black, or Asian. He's none of the above. So whenever we travel, he either flies under the radar as another foreigner, or stands out more than others because he's a type of American that people are not used to seeing. He's been "hello-ed" by random kids on the street; he's been asked to be in pictures at tourist sites; and he hasn't received any type of negative treatment -- besides getting ripped off. (He actually takes that as a compliment because he likes being the special foreigner.)

Perhaps what makes Robert's experience in Vietnam so pleasant is his open-mindedness, inquisitiveness, and general positivity. When I take him around, he's either quiet because he's taking in his surroundings, or asking questions about how things work. Whenever he would ask questions, I would provide the cultural or historical information I know that supports his observation, and he would add in what he knows from what he has learned from school or experience. In turn, I have learned more through his observations and knowledge, giving me a different perspective that leaves me wishing I had more time in each city.

Throughout this trip, I feel myself slowly letting go of the negative forces that have consumed me and led me to believe I was not welcome here. My mind has also opened up to different possibilities and circumstances that will lead me back to this side of the world at another point in my life beyond visiting family and friends. I have released the burden of pain that I've experienced from this year's challenges and heartbreak from having to "chia tay," and I feel lighter with love and happiness throughout my travels. All this, I owe to Robert.

Providing you with his perspective, here are some key pictures he took throughout our trip:

The majesty of Ha Long Bay

Facing Ha Noi traffic head on

Some of Hue's bests: bun bo (beef noodle soup) and nuoc mia (sugarcane juice)

R&R in Hoi An

Da Nang: our favorite city

Saigon night lights

We'll be in Siem Reap one more day, then we'll be in Phnom Penh the day after, then it's back to Saigon to wrap up our adventure!

Live in the Moment

While walking along Lang Co Beach, my eyes followed the ripples that grooved from the sand to the waves hitting my feet. I took a deep breath and took in everything around me: the locals enjoying their one-hour slot of bearable sun, the sun slowly setting behind the light cloud and lush mountains, the lack of trash that is usually present at Thuan An Beach, and the company. Then I thought to myself, I will never have this again. The ripples in the sand will be in a different pattern, the water level will change, the trash may increase or decrease, and I will not be in the presence of all of the people present at the beach again.

In a different part of my life, I will not be able to partake in the same activities again, nor will landscapes maintain the same look and feel with way tourism is progressing in Vietnam. My Vietnamese skills will either deteriorate or strengthen, depending on the work I do back at home. Su and I won't be able to "chem gio" about the same stories while walking along the dragon bridge. Khoai and I will eventually be only two of many people who explore Da Nang at daring heights. I may never have the same relationships I have had with people in Vietnam, either because opportunities to meet are scarce, or because work will consume me once again.

When I think about these things, I don't think about them because I'm fatalistic or generally negative. I think about them to keep in mind the opportunities I presently have to live and love. If I were to believe that everything will be the same when I leave the country by the end of the month, I would be in need of a serious reality check. Hence, by the midway point of this journey, I promised myself that I would live in the moment, and take in everything I could without driving myself crazy. To fulfill that promise, I've journeyed through Southeast Asia with my mother, who had never traveled beyond South Vietnam. I've taken my sister and hey boyfriend on que huong food and site tours. I've engaged in a countrywide water fight during Songkran in Thailand. I've started dance parties with other Fulbrighters at random restaurants. I've sung "Va Toi Cung Yeu Em" the first day I taught an International Studies class when a student asked if I could sing a song for them to conclude my introduction. I've illegally driven with three people on my motorbike when the Hue rain prevented taxis from picking me, Jenelle, and Steven up. I've eaten things that I wouldn't dare repeat in words or in consumption. I've "Gangnam Styled" with my American Culture students during our last lecture. I've laughed my butt off, cried my heart out, and loved hard.

And I will continue to do so. Tomorrow, I will embark on an introduction / farewell tour with my best friend Robert (who's traveling outside of the States for the first time!) and my cousin Khoai. We will begin our exploration in Hanoi, and stop by Halong Bay, Hue, Hoi An, Da Nang, Saigon as well as Phnom Penh and Siem Reap in Cambodia. I will "gioi thieu" Robert and Khoai with all the places and people I have come to admire, and in the end, I will have to bid "hen gap lai" as well. However, keeping the end in mind, I will make sure to keep my head up and enjoy everyone's company as I always have, and save the sorrows and trips down memory lane for the 17-hour plane ride home.

Being Vietnamese-American in Vietnam

The current ETAs were given a list of topics to choose from regarding tips they would like to provide for incoming ETAs. I immediately chose "Being Vietnamese-American." The following is a list I reflected upon and compiled, with the approval and edits provided by other Viet-Am ETAs.

Coming to Vietnam as a Vietnamese-American can be a complicated, emotional matter. On the one hand, we’ve been raised in the diverse community that America provides, somehow still feeling a lack of belonging in this country that our families set foot on a generation or two ago. On the other, we are the perpetual foreigner in a country our parents once considered their homeland. To help you as you journey through the land of your roots, here are some tips from past Vietnamese-American Fulbrighters:

1)    Balance family and work carefully: Whether this is your first or one of many visits to Vietnam, your itinerary will inevitably include visiting relatives. For some of us, our relatives lived on the other side of the country from our placement. In my case, my relatives were a 2.5-hour bus ride away, making it easy for me to visit my relatives every weekend if I wanted to. Either way, we had to recognize that we had to balance building relationships with our long-lost family with work and relationships in our province. Family can be a great support system, and yet it is also important to build a strong support system within your province, which may include your students, fellow staff members, local folks, or other ex-pats. 

My family in Da Nang

My homies in Hue

2)    Form your own perspective by balancing personal history and values with newfound knowledge: Many Vietnamese people left their homeland due to fear of what would happen to their future, and some have yet to return. Since childhood, we may have heard stories about our parents’ struggles and have formed a certain perspective about what Vietnam is like now.  However, almost 40 years since the reunification of the North and the South, relations have changed nationally and internationally. The North is no longer a place to fear, the South is no longer seen as home to a “U.S. puppet” government, and Bác Hồ has become an immortal image painted on billboards and drawn throughout comic books. Keep your mind open to learning about different perspectives on Vietnamese life now and in the past. (This would also include compromising progressive/American social-justice related views, as most provinces may at first seem outrageously traditional and patriarchal.) These viewpoints may differ with your own at first, but what’s important to take away is that these perspectives will grant you insight about the history and the culture in your province. You will be sure to learn a lot given that your conversational partner feels safe with you.

My graduating students, my American and Vietnamese regional culture teachers

3)    Engage in learning Vietnamese, especially the dialect within your province: Our Vietnamese skills ranges all across the spectrum; one of us was able to confidently hold a conversation in Vietnamese on the first day of orientation, while others grew up with little to no Vietnamese language exposure. Whatever background you have, the best way to learn about a culture is to learn the language, particularly the language of your province. I was placed in Huế, which is famously known throughout Vietnam to have the most difficult accent to understand. I initially struggled with daily interactions, especially since I had a stronger background in Hà Nội dialect from orientation and Sài Gòn dialect from American schooling. But after developing relationships with local folks and with the help of my Vietnamese teacher, I not only understood the Huế dialect a couple months in, but I was able to make jokes and translate English into the local language. In turn, my friends and students felt closer to me and more open to sharing their experiences and perspectives.

Thao, my Hue homie / Hue-speak teacher / sister from another mother

4)    Seek support and support yourself: We Vietnamese-Americans are more susceptible to something called the “Việt Kiều blues—“ where our problems seem to be derived from the fact that we hold this special double-identity. However, the best way to get over the blues is to process them with close friends. Perhaps even an even better way would be to process them with fellow Vietnamese-Americans, whether they are in the Fulbright program, are in Vietnam, or are from home, especially since the intersection of identities allows both parties to discuss struggles and solutions that have worked or may work for both. Also, find ways to support yourself. Even though you have Vietnamese roots, you can engage in Western activities guilt-free because you were raised in America. Have “Tây” days where you hang out at a fully enclosed coffee shop complete with back-supporting chairs and chest-level wooden tables. Video-chat with friends back at home in English. Find food that reminds you of home to help cure the homesickness. Do what you need to do to process and heal, because only then would you be able to fully engage in the community once again.

Rice paper wrap + rice vermicelli + bo vien + bo kho + tomato sauce + lettuce + hot sauce = Vietnamese burrito

5)    Recognize and embrace the double identity: We’re outsiders in our own country, and outsiders in Vietnam. Where the hell do we belong?! Our initial stage of excitement came crashing down when we realized that we weren’t Vietnamese enough to blend in with the locals, yet not American enough to be “oohed” and “awwed” over when ordering in Vietnamese at food stalls. (For example, a waitress at a café was unimpressed with my full-Vietnamese sentence requests in comparison to my British friend’s Vietnamese pronunciation of “cap-pu-chi-no.”) Indeed, non-Vietnamese foreigners will get more positive attention initially, but the novelty of the foreigners will soon wear down and the Việt Kiều blues will yield to patience and continual desire to learn about our “quê hương”. We as Vietnamese-Americans can connect with Vietnamese patrons through similar upbringing and cultural habits, and we have a more tuned tongue in learning the language. For those of us who often get called out for not looking the part, once we explain our role in the province and our background as a Vietnamese-American, we can open the doors to meaningful relationships, or just get them to stop singling us out. We may never stop being an outsider, but that in no way prevents us from learning from the locals as well as sharing our own experiences in a form of reciprocal education.

Reppin' Hue and Danang, my ques!

By all means, this is not a complete list of tips, but these are the words of advice that are most prominent in our minds at this point in time. If you have any questions or want to talk a problem through, we are more than willing to help out. Contact us! [...]

I haven't turned the list in yet, so if any other Vietnamese-Americans who have lived in Vietnam would like to add to the list, please comment! Thanks!

Happy Anniversary, Fulbright Decision!

Exactly a year ago today, I was told that I had 26 hours to decide whether or not I was going to pack up my life to live and work for a year in Vietnam. Twenty six hours and no later.

The moment stood out to me so much because when I received the phone call, I was on the CalTrain to San Francisco, getting ready for my first big performance in front of an audience of over 1,000 people at the San Francisco Castro Theatre. (Shoutout to NAPAWF APAVM womyn!) I also remembered that moment so clearly because that was the moment that my career path had split into two – same goal, but different journeys. One path had already been clear: I was to interview for a small school that was more aligned with my vision of community education, and to continue pushing myself in my personal goals. I had achieved my fastest half-marathon and full-marathon times that school year, developed meaningful relationships with the people around me, and felt I had achieved self-love for the first time in my life.

Now another path appeared: I was to return to my parents’ – my homeland to challenge myself and grow mentally and emotionally; I was given the opportunity improve my skills in teaching English Language Learners, to learn about Vietnamese culture, and to build relationships with the family that I never got to know beyond one-week vacations to Vietnam.

I knew both roads were related to education and would eventually lead me back to the same career goal, but both alluded to different year-long journeys. Thanks to my dad’s cautious upbringing, I had never chosen a risky path growing up. I also always had a supportive community each time I moved someplace new. If I chose Fulbright Vietnam, I would have had to start a new community, despite the fact that my family was going to be somewhere in the country. (I hadn’t known I would be placed in Hue, yet.) If I stuck to the path I had already planned for myself, I would become more deeply rooted in my school district’s community, and further build the personal relationships that fed my soul the love it needed each and every day.

But after talking to my housemate Andre, I knew what I really wanted. But I still had to sleep on it. I performed my heart out that night, the thumping of my chest amplified by the combination of stage-high and the decision looming over the evening. After the adrenaline died out and fatigue crept in, I let my mind rest on the decision, and called the advisor. “Yes, I’d love to take the position.”

After I ended the call, tears welled up in my eyes. I would have to leave everything and everyone who made me who I was for at least 10 months. I took a risk for the better good of my future, hoping that I would come back a more resolved and informed person, as well as more culturally competent with added tools to better communication with families from immigrant backgrounds. I knew the realization of the benefits would soon outweigh the sadness, and that America would see a better me by the end of my term.

Almost 10 months later, I not only achieved that I set out to do, but I achieved more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve fostered learning that had Vietnamese students defy the stereotype that they couldn’t express themselves creatively or critically in English. I’ve learned how to use Vietnamese in the classroom to enhance English language learning. I’ve provided balanced viewpoints about American culture in lectures and have provided opportunities for students to learn by drawing comparisons between what they know of Vietnamese culture and what they learn in class. I’ve engaged students in critical discussions about American government and policy-making while having them role-play the process within the different branches. I’ve learned from first-time-teaching mistakes and adjusted instruction accordingly. I’ve implemented a feedback system that allows me to check in on students’ understanding and investment at the end of each lesson. I have met my professional goals, and I have also established and met new goals I made along the way.

Almost 10 months later, I’ve also established two homes: Vietnam and America. In Vietnam, I’ve made good friends in each region I’ve lived in, especially Hue. I’ve developed meaningful relationships with relatives, friends – Vietnamese and ex-pats alike – and students. I’ve hung out with the same family members who witnessed my parents’ growth and saw myself in their stories. I’ve become part of another family, as I notice when I accidentally call Di Ngoc “mom” and intentionally call Khoai, Su, and No my brother and sisters. I’ve fed my need to run by training and beasting  through a half-marathon in Phu Quoc with friends in the hot hot heat.

As for my connections in America, I’ve strengthened bonds with close friends I saw often at home, as well as reconnected with friends I rarely saw but still held close to my heart. I’ve utilized video chatting way more than I ever would. I’ve grown to understand each of my family members through communicating with them and the people grew up loving them, as well as our context in terms of where we’re rooted and where we resettled.

In one week, my work in Hue will end, and I will be on my way to waving “hen gap lai” to friends and family all along the country. I will have to leave everything and everyone who made me who I am within the past 10 months, but at the very least, I know I will be leaving as a better version of myself, and I owe it all to the people who have supported me throughout my time here, as well as the people who have helped me along the way.

Com Chay: Food for Thought and Soul

“You will never truly understand because you weren’t born here.”

The preceding quote sounds like something that would have turned me off from a conversation if told to me a couple months back. But it instead led to a deeper conversation about the war, the resettlement, where I am today, and where I’ll be in the future.

It began with an appetite that craved Hue vegan food. Steven and Jenelle usually rave about the new 40-cent vegan rice-dish restaurant by our school, so I set out to stop by after the usual student rush-hour (after 1PM, which is considered a late lunch by Hue standards).

I arrived at an empty restaurant and was welcomed with two fans that the manager turned on as I came in. I ordered in broken Vietnamese, flustered from the heat and the oil from my bike chain that smeared across my fingers, and headed straight to the sink to wash my hands. Given that the manager had not yet made my acquaintance, he sat across from me and spoke in Viet-lish (English mixed with Vietnamese) about a girl from Holland who now teaches in Vietnam. He seemed to have so much admiration for her, to the point that it seemed that no one could hold a flame to this person who made such a strong impression on this local Hue man. Great, I thought, another foreigner who gets more love that Vietnamese-Americans.

Once he noticed that I responded and asked questions in a variety of Vietnamese sentences, he went on to speak in fluent Vietnamese about the differences in Vietnamese and American culture. But unlike the usual over-generalizations (i.e. Americans never eat rice and eat only hamburgers; Americans don’t value commitment and marriage), he seemed to have a more balanced perspective. He asked if I was shocked about the fact that womyn liked to hold hands with each other, and that it was strange for a man and a womyn to hold hands. I told him that it wasn’t a familiar sight, but I understood that was normal in Vietnamese culture. Any question he asked, I tried to balance the conversation about culture using “it depends,” or “some people may be, yes.”

At this point, I was getting a bit antsy because 1) I had run low on bigger vocabulary, 2) my patience to use context clues was worn down by the heat, and 3) I tend to dislike unscheduled, long conversations when I have incomplete lesson plans hanging over my head. Then he mentioned it. The year 1975. I forgot how we came to the subject, but one minute, I had my 20,000 bill out, ready to get the check, then the next, I rolled it back into my palm as he retied his wad of change in a tan rubber band. “Where were you that year?” I asked him.

The gates opened. The conversation I had waited to have with a local beyond my relatives, but never did because I never got close enough to ask anyone about a topic I didn’t know how to mention. Similar to my approach, he remained very diplomatic, mentioning the many sides, yet overall stating that no matter who you were, you struggled – North, South, Central, refugee, uninterrupted citizen – every mother cried from a loss of a husband or child, and every one fought – either in war, or to stay alive.

He thanked me for my work in Vietnam, and then he said:

“You will never truly understand because you weren’t born here. You can ask your parents about Vietnam. And yet, even though your parents were born here, they are only able to understand from the portion of their lives that they lived here. You must seek the truth from the people who have been here since birth.”

And there it was. I was an outsider again. But this time, I was okay with it. I finally understood that 9+ months in this country couldn’t make up for the 25 years I lived outside of it. Being Vietnamese-American gave me a different set of problems that I can’t seek solutions within either country that has granted me this identity in isolation. All I could do is seek understanding in others, and only then, I can find answers for myself.

When asking me whether I’d like to raise a family in America or Vietnam, I told him that since I was born in America and was familiar with the lifestyle, I would have an easier time in America. He quickly noted that my parents probably thought that at one point as well before they left Vietnam, but instead dived right into America and found ways to adapt. (This is omitting, of course, my current trajectory involving choice rather than refuge.) Either way, he wanted me to understand that I was only an outsider for now. He said, 

“People are distant from you because they believe you’re only there to help them. They become closer when they believe you’re there because you love them.”

When he said that, I smiled. Indeed, this is the type of impression I hope I leave or have left with those I work with – from my previous 5^th grade students to my current university-level students. Before having that conversation, I believed that the next two weeks will busy busy busy as I do all I can to wrap up a month’s worth before my grant ends at the end of this month. Now, after this chance conversation, I believe that the next two weeks is the last of the quality time that I will have with five amazing groups of students who I have only had the opportunity to know since February. Instead of trying to instill that I am there to help them with functional language skills, I want to leave them with fun yet practical ways to engage in the English language and the idea that they can empower themselves to learn beyond my time in Hue. In the end, I don’t want to be known as their teacher who just happened to be Vietnamese American. I want to be the teacher who inspired them to learn because she planned and executed lessons with consideration of their needs as English as a Foreign Language learners. The one who came to Vietnam to teach because she wanted to learn more about her que huong through daily interactions with people and observance of the culture. The one who cared for her students and found ways to support or build relationships with them in and outside the classroom.

It may be a bit late in the semester to declare such goals, but at least I know I can press the refresh button this week and make it known that I expect better for and from myself.

(Thank you quan chay manager for clarifying my mindset.)

Getting in Touch with the Inner Fish

*Disclaimer: I understand the different ideologies that Vietnamese and overseas-Vietnamese have, and I want to clarify that the excerpt of my mother’s journey is told through my mother’s perspective from an earlier time period. Our current beliefs are not reflected in this piece, nor can I speak for any individuals or organizations I mention here.

When I was six years old, my mother started taking my sister and me to Carson Park to swim. The public swimming pool at this park offered lessons twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and my mom was determined to have us learn how to swim. I remember when I first registered, I had to be a certain age to join the “polliwog” group, which was designed for older beginners.

“She’s seven,” my mother said at the registration desk.

“Six and a half!” I argued for no particular reason other than the truth.

So six-and-a-half year old me was permitted into the polliwog group, and I continued learning and advancing groups until I reached the “fish” level, which was two levels away from the highest group. At this point, I was nine and started to lose faith in my ability as my vision weakened more and more. Without 20/20 vision underwater and above the surface, I didn’t want to continue my lessons. And that was that.

Only recently did I come to reflect on why my mother wanted Thao and I take up swimming. I remember every Tuesday and Thursday, she would be the only parent who sat outside of the gated pool to watch us learn how to swim. Other parents simply dropped off their kids and returned to pick them up 1.5 hours later. Whenever I beat the other kids in a kickboard or free-style race, I would run up to my mom with the biggest smile on my face, and her smile mirrored mine. But when I asked if she wanted to do Friday community swims with us, she simply shook her head and told us that she didn’t want to, but she said she would drive us to the pool if we wanted to go.

One day, when I was old enough to understand her journey in context of the war, my mother explained that she almost drowned when she tried to flee Viet Nam. Her and her older brothers were on their second attempt to escape the country, and they were told to meet a group of escapees by a pier. Suddenly, gunshots disturbed the quiet night and people panicked and scurried to safety, unaware of their direction and of the source of the gunshots. In the process, my mother lost her brothers (I would not serve their story justice if I write about their fate here) and found herself at the edge of the pier, staring into the black abyss of the sea. She had two choices: stay and die via torture or regime change, or jump and hope that she would be saved.

While both choices presented a high chance of death, especially since she didn’t know how to swim, she chose to jump. After she jumped, she told me she felt the water fill her lungs as she sank slowly to the bottom of the sea. She lost consciousness, but several moments later, she regained consciousness on a fisherman’s boat. She never questioned how she got there. All she could do was thank God for providing her with the chance to live.

The kind of boat my mom was pulled onto

Because of that experience, my mother was scared to enter large bodies of water, especially those of indeterminate depth. I remember how my mom would hang out on pool steps or on the shore of the beach as my sister and I daringly splashed around in the deep end or in rolling waves. She was too traumatized to try to swim.

This was only true until five years ago. Toward my latter years of college, I received a phone call from my mother and asked her if there was anything new. “I’m learning how to swim!” she exclaimed excitedly.

The silence on my end of the line indicated my shock. She continued, “I realized I shouldn’t let my fear take over my life, and I recently started taking lessons at the community pool close to my work. Oh honey, I’ve been such a quick learner, and everyone loves me there!”

At that moment, I was so proud of my mom. And I still am. Five years later, she still swims every other day and even gives secret lessons to people who play around in the water and don’t have enough money to pay the community pool. Over 30 years after her traumatic incident, she not only overcame her fear, but she became a source of empowerment.

With occasional access to pools or the beach, I find myself thinking about my mom as I relearn how to free-style or even simply breathe while swimming. I think about her watching me on the sidelines, waiting for me to come over to talk about my victorious event. I also think about her swimming alongside, or lapping me as I catch my breath on the wall. Most importantly, I think about the fear she overcame when she jumped off that pier, and when she decided to overcome her anxiety about swimming.

Thao, one of my sources of inspiration, after taking on an Olympic distance triathlon. Still lookin' good.

Along with my mother, I think about my best friend Robert, who updates me about his number of laps around the public pool and laughs with me about our choice of swimming widths rather than lengths. I think about my sister, Thao, who is not only a twice-a-month marathoner, but is also a triathlete who is training for her half-Ironman in July, taking place during the hottest month of the year and in the hottest area in Northern California. I also think about the high incidences of drowning across Vietnam, especially among young children in rural provinces, and I think about the people and programs that dedicate themselves to educating and empowering the community by teaching them about swimming safety. Through their inspiration, I have become more motivated to get in touch with the inner fish, not only to empower myself, but also in hopes of spreading the inspiration that others have granted me.

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This post is dedicated the aforementioned individuals and programs, especially Hue Help’s swimming program. Please help educate young children on swimming safety by donating to their campaign.